I wish my penis had an off switch
babies were throwing up all over the place
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pooping to opera.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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