Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
