WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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