It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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