He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
