The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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