I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
