I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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