It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
