I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I supernannyed him into submission
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
