Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
