Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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