It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
