Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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