I just pynch a tree in the face
Please, let me fuck your mom
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
