The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize