Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
