Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
