my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
