someone get that fucking seahorse.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
