he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
