I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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