THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
