woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
