dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
