I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
