Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
