It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
