If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
