And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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