Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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