I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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