just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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