The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There's always time for handjobs
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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