glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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