A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This is classic penis vs brain.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
