there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
