ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
