some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize