I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
