Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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