I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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