I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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