She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
