You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
