god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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