He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
