glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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