how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
