I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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