I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
