My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
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Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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