Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
