The maid of honor just puked.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
