She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
